An employee of the famous Smithsonian National Museum of Natural History was arrested this morning and accused of stealing at least 60 mummy parts over two years and ingesting them as medicine.

46-year old Andrew Simmons was arrested around 8:30 this morning by the Metropolitan Police Department of the District of Columbia (MPDC) when he arrived at work.

The security guard for the notorious museum is accused of stealing dozens of mummy parts as well as several mummified organs from Ancient Egyptian canopy jars over a 30-month period.

According to MPDC spokeswoman Capt. Kate Hall, Mr. Simmons used the artifacts to create Mummia, a medieval medicinal preparation made from powdered human mummies and thought to be an effective cure-all for many ailments, as well as an aphrodisiac.

“We first thought the thefts were sponsored by a private collector or that the goods were sold on the black market. But that guy just made mummy broth with them and drank it!”

Capt. Hall says the accused admitted to ingesting over 20 lbs of powdered human mummies in order to cure himself of genital herpes and solve his chronic erectile dysfunction problems.

“He seems to be an adept of fringe science and conspiracy theories. He kept rambling about the Earth being flat and investigators working for shapeshifting reptilian humanoids.” 

A search warrant for Mr. Simmons’ residence led to the discovery of a glass jar containing 65 grams of powder believed to come from the hand of a Second Dynasty royal mummy.

Capt. Hall of the Metropolitan Police Department of the District of Columbia described the accused as a conspiracy theorist who doesn’t believe in modern science. He ingests mummy broth as he believes it is a more efficient medicine than modern pharmaceuticals.

The 46-year old man will now face at least 187 criminal charges, including 68 charges of burglary and 84 charges of corpse desecration.

If found guilty on all charges, he faces an outstanding 1645 years in prison and a fine of $3,450,000.

His lawyer, Mr. Charles Monroe, has already demanded a psychiatric evaluation to determine if Mr. Simmons is fit to stand trial.

The evaluation will be performed over the next two or three weeks, and he should return to court in April for the beginning of the procedures.

Urban Entertainment